I spent my life people-pleasing, fearing abandonment, and ignoring my boundaries.
Two years ago- at the peak of Covid, I decided to seek therapy due to significant life changes. My therapist told me that I severely lacked boundaries. Prior to this, I had never really given boundaries a thought.
While in therapy, I was also talking to a guy I had known for a long time- he became a case study for my healing journey.
I ignored all the red flags I saw from day one when I started talking to him because the attachment felt familiar. The relationship dynamics were familiar, and the hurt was familiar.
Within two months, the relationship became quite unhealthy for me. It was very abandoning- He’d disappear at the slightest disagreement… and because I feared abandonment and was a people pleaser. I chased him. I ignored my feelings and boundaries and chased him. I just wanted him to accept me and love me.
At that moment, I felt broken. I had not expected to be hurt by someone I had known for half my life. For the person to switch up completely. He became a different person behind closed doors, and because I didn’t know how to love myself, I stayed, hoping to find some love from him.
Thankfully, the relationship ended… I stayed in it for longer than I should’ve, but I learned some important life lessons which I want to share with you.
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Never. I mean, never abandon yourself.
Your emotions and your feelings are valid. If you don’t feel good about something your partner, friend or family has said to you… you should be able to voice it respectfully and let your boundaries be known. If they decide to ignore you, abandon you, ghost you, or become the victim and start being upset with you, please remember you did nothing wrong. People who love you and respect you will listen to you and try to understand your boundaries, needs, and wants. -
When you’re being ghosted or abandoned by your partner, friend, or family member. Instead of reaching out to text them or call them. Take some time and ask yourself how you are feeling.
Focus on yourself. How is this situation making you feel? Don’t think I can convince them to speak to me and I can make them happy. No! Listen to your soul. Then take the next step.
Before reaching out, please feel your emotions. Is it making you sad? Hurt? Disrespected? Angry? You have the right to feel those emotions, and you should be feeling them. So feel them. Focus on you! -
If someone decides to disrespect you, ignore you, and not apologize for it.. don’t tolerate it. Don’t keep hatred in your heart- forgive but don’t forget. Please do not give them the space or anyone else to hurt your soul.
One of the times, this guy that I was with did something very hurtful. I called my friend crying from the bathroom.. she said something beautiful.. “if you had a daughter and a guy was treating her that way, what would you tell her? “
It made me realize I accepted and tolerated much of the crap from him and others because my inner child was severely wounded.
We can all heal. It is never too late to respect your soul. For me, 30s is for healing, living your authentic self, loving yourself, and demanding respect. To create boundaries and live a life of dignity.
Remember to love yourself! Remember you deserve respect. Remember you’re a lovable person with your boundaries. Always
x
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